I recently did the WRDB World Records Show at Joe’s Pub. The record I set was most ice cream cones stacked on my nose- while telling lies: http://urdb.org/wr/ice-cream-cones-stacked-ones-nose-while-telling-lies
The idea for this record originated from a Radiolab interview with …… who has given up lying completely. I decided to follow his example, only instead of successfully cutting back on lies, I’ve become more aware than ever of all the white lies I tell- unnecessarily! To help me give up lying I’ve made a list of “the most common lies I find myself saying” here goes………
THE 50 MOST COMMON LIES I FIND MYSELF SAYING:
1. I have a black man’s penis.
2. Of course I remember you!
3. I’m so sorry, my phone died.
4. My boobs are real
5. Oh I’ve been tested
6. I totally speak Latin.
7. Yes, I did sleep with Don Rickles in the Spring of '94 and it was HOT.
8. Sorry, I'm completely stoned right now.
9. Really, I've never tasted chocolate.
10. I have a pony named Norbert.
11. I was just in the neighborhood.
12. You know that song, "She Bangs?" Yeah, it's about me.
13. I don't remember you telling me that.
14. Puff daddy is shopping my band.
15. I can eat anything I want!
16. After I published my book I was able to quit my restaurant job.
17. This is my real vagina.
18. Be there in five.
19. Yeah, it’s designer.
20. I would…..but this is my last piece.
21. The character of Tony Soprano was based on me.
22. I have perfect credit.
23. I understand what that means.
24. Helen Keller just called to tell me I’ve been looking really good lately.
25. I yoddled in Helen Hunt’s canyon.
26. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were using that.
27. I fooled around with a unicorn once and I’m still horny.
28. I’m not secretly proud of that joke.
29. I shower daily.
30. Of course I’ve heard of that band.
31. Oh no! I forgot my wallet.
32. It’s okay, I forgive you.
33. I’m really happy with the way my life is turning out.
34. It’s on airplane mode.
35. Trust me this is harder for me than it is for you.
36. I didn’t google you.
37. Your baby is soooo beautiful.
38. I liked him before I knew he was famous
39. I never sit on public toilet seats.
40. I’ve never pooped.
41. We can keep it casual. I’m really independent anyway.
42. This’ll only hurt for a second.
43. Uhhhh my dog has terrible gas right now!
44. Don’t worry it’s not contagious.
45. This is not what it looks like…
46. Oh, we’re just friends.
47. I was born with it.
48. I shot JFK.
49. Don’t I know you from somewhere?
50. Now that I’ve written this list—I will give up lying forever!
(special thanks to help from Anaheed, Shaina and Michael!)
If you liked this record- check out the other record I set on St. Patrick’s Day—Most birthday party hats worn at once: