I recently did the WRDB World Records Show at Joe’s Pub. The record I set was most ice cream cones stacked on my nose- while telling lies: http://urdb.org/wr/ice-cream-cones-stacked-ones-nose-while-telling-lies
The idea for this record originated from a Radiolab interview with …… who has given up lying completely. I decided to follow his example, only instead of successfully cutting back on lies, I’ve become more aware than ever of all the white lies I tell- unnecessarily! To help me give up lying I’ve made a list of “the most common lies I find myself saying” here goes………
THE 50 MOST COMMON LIES I FIND MYSELF SAYING:
1. I have a black man’s penis.
2. Of course I remember you!
3. I’m so sorry, my phone died.
4. My boobs are real
5. Oh I’ve been tested
6. I totally speak Latin.
7. Yes, I did sleep with Don Rickles in the Spring of '94 and it was HOT.
8. Sorry, I'm completely stoned right now.
9. Really, I've never tasted chocolate.
10. I have a pony named Norbert.
11. I was just in the neighborhood.
12. You know that song, "She Bangs?" Yeah, it's about me.
13. I don't remember you telling me that.
14. Puff daddy is shopping my band.
15. I can eat anything I want!
16. After I published my book I was able to quit my restaurant job.
17. This is my real vagina.
18. Be there in five.
19. Yeah, it’s designer.
20. I would…..but this is my last piece.
21. The character of Tony Soprano was based on me.
22. I have perfect credit.
23. I understand what that means.
24. Helen Keller just called to tell me I’ve been looking really good lately.
25. I yoddled in Helen Hunt’s canyon.
26. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were using that.
27. I fooled around with a unicorn once and I’m still horny.
28. I’m not secretly proud of that joke.
29. I shower daily.
30. Of course I’ve heard of that band.
31. Oh no! I forgot my wallet.
32. It’s okay, I forgive you.
33. I’m really happy with the way my life is turning out.
34. It’s on airplane mode.
35. Trust me this is harder for me than it is for you.
36. I didn’t google you.
37. Your baby is soooo beautiful.
38. I liked him before I knew he was famous
39. I never sit on public toilet seats.
40. I’ve never pooped.
41. We can keep it casual. I’m really independent anyway.
42. This’ll only hurt for a second.
43. Uhhhh my dog has terrible gas right now!
44. Don’t worry it’s not contagious.
45. This is not what it looks like…
46. Oh, we’re just friends.
47. I was born with it.
48. I shot JFK.
49. Don’t I know you from somewhere?
50. Now that I’ve written this list—I will give up lying forever!
(special thanks to help from Anaheed, Shaina and Michael!)
If you liked this record- check out the other record I set on St. Patrick’s Day—Most birthday party hats worn at once:
http://urdb.org/wr/party-hats-worn
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So glad that I wasn't drinking and swallowing my morning coffee when I read this, Elna, as it's truly hilarious. But after reading your book, should I really be surprised?
ReplyDeleteDon't stop... please!
Please elaborate on how it worked for you to sleep with Don Rickles while having a black man's penis. I find this odd.
ReplyDeleteI'm reading your book right now and LOVING it. I love how honest and ridiculous you are, and I truly hope there will be a second book. :)
ReplyDeleteLOVED your book! Review posted here: http://thetometraveller.blogspot.com/2010/09/review-new-york-regional-mormon-singles.html
ReplyDeleteHope you are working on book two!
:P
Carey
AHHH you are back! (i am like 3 months late) but yay!
ReplyDeleteElna Baker, I love you.
ReplyDeleteI just have to say your book was Awesome! I loved it! I love your humor. You rock!!
ReplyDeletelittle white lies I told myself...? that if I tough it out, It will all be made up for in a glorious afterlife. Elna, how refreshing to here a frank and humorous story of growing up Mormon. (as I did) Love your storytelling!
ReplyDeleteJust read your article about losing your virginity in Glamour today...and find it so strange that you still call yourself a Mormon. Why do you still feel compelled to do this? The gospel isn't really that difficult to follow--it's pretty black n white. This coming from a girl who is 28, attractive, still single, raised Mormon, etc. (And I don't live in Utah; I have traveled and lived abroad...) Elna, your book was funny but I found it so hypocritical--at this stage in our lives, we are adults. So let's please act like them--Mormonism isn't something you do and then complain about...so either be in or be out, please. For the sake of all us who are "old", virgins, understand what the gospel really is, and are very happy to have it.
ReplyDelete1. I've never picked an obstructing booger out of my nose
ReplyDelete2. Said booger was never green and moist.
3. I never wiped it on the couch. At somebody else's house. Then made breakfast without washing my hands. And hand fed a piece of sausage to my host.
Oh, and
4. Comments like Anonymous's above don't make me feel awkward at all, and I certainly don't feel the compulsive need to apologize for every self-righteous LDS person on earth right now.
In closing, I LOVE finding allegedly funny fellow LDS humorists who are actually funny. Keep being you ;-) (Oh wait, oops, that should say "I HATE" in order to be a lie. Apparently I suck at this game.)
little white lies I told myself...? that if I tough it out, It will all be made up for in a glorious afterlife. Elna, how refreshing to here a frank and humorous story of growing up Mormon. (as I did) Love your storytelling!
ReplyDeleteHaha!
ReplyDeleteJust heard your fortune cookie story. (= Awesome.